Short Story: Black Roses

The golden morning light peeked through my black curtains. My alarm clock rang out shrilly, nearly bursting my eardrums. Blindly, I reached up instinctively and smacked the little chime on top. nstantly the shrill ring ended. More than anything I wanted to just hide under the dark comforter again. September had arrived, the golden sun said so. Out of habit, I rolled out of bed.
My morning routine was oddly natural for me. While the other kids would be getting dragged out of bed, I was doing push-ups. While other kids were groggily climbing into the shower, I was already dressed and ready to go. I had already read my daily thought, eaten breakfast, and was reading through my letters from my pen-pal one last time for extra strength.

Dear Jai,

Hey there! School is about to start here, one week. I’m nervous. I know up at camp they told me that I would be just fine, but I still am scared. I keep reading that book they gave us, and every time is just as funny as the last. I’ve practiced that stuff with the kids here in the neighborhood, and I think I can do it at the new school. I hope I can. Wish me luck!
How are you doing? I hope you’re still holding strong. You’ll make it! You are so amazing! I loved hanging out with you! And I’m really glad you’re my friend! Let’s make it together! Remember step 14.5 (hehe): “Never leave the house with your fly down!” If you remember that, then you will be just fine! Haha!

Love,
Jaysah

P.S. You have my e-mail address right? I think you we should e-mail now that school is back on. That way if we need instant help we can get it. Promise to check your e-mail! I’ll check mine every day, at least three times a day! Love you!

I folded the letter and put it back in the folder where I kept it. Quickly, I turned on the computer. More than anything I wanted to e-mail my friend and tell her that I was about to jump into the “jungle.” If no one else cared, Jaysah would, and she would understand.
As soon as the interface came up I typed a fast e-mail.

Jaysah!

Good luck at your school! Im just headed out to mine! At least you get to go to a new place, I have to go look back at all those old terrifying memories. As if nightmares weren’t bad enough…*sigh* Love you too!

-Jai

I looked at the computer, hoping for a reply instantly. I knew, however, that because of the time difference Jaysah would already be in school. Sighing, I turned off the computer.
As time ticked by without me moving, I decided it was time I face the music. Both of my parents were already gone to work, so I had no one I needed to say good-bye to. As I opened the front door, I slipped on my long coat. With my black bag in hand, my coat on, and my pocket-sized camp manual, I took my first step into the world again.
For my first day, I wanted to walk. I was not about to get on that bus. That was where ninety percent of all my worst nightmares took place. To be awake and on the giant yellow torture chamber would be worse than any of my nightmares.
Reading while I walked, I didn’t pay any attention to others walking too. It was too soon for me to face my peers. Of course, I knew I would have to face them soon, but not yet.
Yet, as I dreaded that feeling of rejection, and of being an outcast, there was a vague feeling of wanting something. Of course, I wanted to fit in for once, but it wasn’t that feeling. I think it was a feeling of wanting to get back at all those bullies, but I couldn’t be sure. I knew I was angry at them all, but I didn’t ever feel the need to kick back.
Whatever the feeling was, it was gone as I approached the child-prison that we all call school. Suddenly I was filled with panic. My hands got clammy, my ears rang, my stomach dropped. Was I really ready to face this again? Only one way to find out, go for it! (They told us that up at camp.)
I opened the door to the already mostly filled school. My ears rushed with excited summer babble. As I let my guard rest, a terrible thing happened.
All the sound seemed to fade just enough for me to hear the dreaded words, “Hey, look! It’s Jai! Hey fag!”
My heart sank. At that moment in time I wanted to run. Run back home. Run back to camp. Run to Jaysah. Run anywhere! I wanted to be anywhere but there. My heart said one thing, while my mind said another. I knew I had to stick it out.
As much as that hurt, I pretended to not have heard it. I continued my walk into the building. That day went like that first moment all the way through. I would walk in or out of a classroom, and there was always a shout to me.
“Hey fag!”
“Dork!”
“Punk!”
“Loser!”
“How was your summer, Freak?”
I barely lasted the day. The final bell rang and I ran. I ran faster than I ever knew I could. My feet pounding on the ground, my ears ringing in agony, my tears pouring like rain, I ran. Finally I made it home. To my haven. No one was there when I walked in. No one was ever there when I walked in.
Straight to my room I sprinted. Slamming my backpack onto the floor, I flopped down onto my bed. I let my tears stain my pillowcase. So many feelings were swimming within me.
Anger toward all those who hurt me.
Sadness from all the names.
Confusion. I thought I could handle it.
Loss of security.
Hope for a better tomorrow.
I cried. I let it out. When my eyes dried enough so that I could see, I went and e-mailed Jaysah. She could help, I knew it!
I typed her the story. I poured out my pain. Then I sent it. Sent feelings no one should feel. I closed my damp eyes.
I concentrated on breathing. In and out, steadily. My heart calmed down. I felt the pain slowly lessen. Once I knew I was again in control, I opened my eyes.
My lungs deflated when I saw the e-mail I had just sent was back with a reply. “Wow! Talk about fast!” I thought to myself.
With no time to waste, I clicked on Jaysah’s name. Her e-mail popped up.

Jai! Please stay strong! Please! You can do it! You grew up! The others didn’t! You know better. You know those are just words! Don’t let them get to you! You’re better than that! I know you are! I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you if you weren’t amazing! You can and will be able to make it! Please, just forget it! Read the manual! Don’t forget what they taught you up at camp! Stay strong! I LOVE YOU!
-Jaysah-

I sighed. I knew it was true. Jaysah was right. My parents didn’t send me to that camp for nothing. It was to help me lift my self-esteem. Give me confidence. I learned that. I could make it. If only life were as easy as camp was.
I didn’t reply to Jaysah, instead I left her message on the screen for comfort. I needed her. Jaysah was my angel of sorts. She kept me going up at camp when I thought I was done. With her by my side I felt that slight twinge of invincibility. As if she had wings, she could lift my spirit and my soul. Oh how I missed her.
That night, I read and reread those words again and again. As was usual I got a lot of homework from my teachers on my first day. I did it all and went straight to bed. I wasn’t in any mood to leave my room, my dark haven.
The next morning, I awoke and followed my normal routine that I picked up from camp. In hopes that school would be better, I walked in with my head held high.
I opened those great doors. Pausing, I waited for the dreaded words. Nothing. I was relieved. I went to my classes as usual. That day was the last day I would ever go to my math class again.
Upon walking in, Kennedy, the largest football player, shouted at me from the other side of the room. He called me names that no one should ever have to hear. I squared my shoulders and marched to my seat. As soon as I sat down, I regretted it. My chair had been filled with water. I could feel it soak through my pants.
“Nervous Fag?” Someone whispered in my ear.
I got up and walked out. No one could stop me. I listened as my peers jeered and hooted. Waiting for a teacher to stop them, I paused at the door for a split second. The teacher said nothing. Without looking back I walked out.
I ran home faster than the day before. My feet knew the way. That night I didn’t e-mail anyone, I didn’t do my homework. I cried. Once my tears ran dry, I pulled out my pocketknife. It was shiny and clean. I rolled up a sleeve.
“This is for you Kennedy!” I screamed silently.
One slit.
“This is for you Nick!”
Two slits.
“This is for you Jennifer!”
Three slits.
“You want me to suffer?”
Four slits.
“I’ll suffer!”
Five slits, six slits, seven slits.
I watched as my shiny knife turned crimson with blood. Each drop of blood for each ounce of pain. A sick feeling ached within me. My arm oozed scarlet drops of my own blood.
“You see, World?” I cried upward. “You see what you’ve done to me? You made me bleed! Are you happy now? Are you!?” My tears poured out onto my arm. They mixed with the blood.
Each drop fell silently to the ground. Each tear ran smoothly into the carpet.
The next morning I awoke where I had been sitting on the carpet. My blood had dried. My tears were gone. Only pain was left, it was always only pain that was left.
I didn’t go to school that day. I couldn’t. It would have been impossible for me to go and face the ridicule again. Twice in a row was enough.
My mom kept sleeping pills in the cabinet in the bathroom. I knew where to find them. Grabbing them out of the bathroom, I popped three into my mouth. One bathroom stop, and I went straight to bed. I slept dreamlessly. No nightmares, no pain. Just sleep.
Friday I awoke, just in time for school. I decided to give it one last shot. One last shot at hope. Out of my normal routine, I got dressed.
I slumped to school that day. I didn’t want to be there more than I had to be. The first bell rang as I walked in. Straight to my physical education class I headed.
I went straight to the locker room and dressed down. At least we were running that day. I could be alone. Me and my music. It would be okay. It was okay until I found out we had a change of plans.
There was a substitute. The big guys ‘persuaded’ the sub to let us play football. As always, I was last to get chosen for a team. Once on a team, however, I simply sat on the side. I closed my eyes and cranked the volume up on my music player. Just me and my music, no one else. I left my mind wander back to Jaysah at camp. How cute she was, how strong she was. How I missed her.
My dream ended. It was yanked mercilessly from my ears.
“What’re you listening to, Fag?”
“Pretty music?”
“Come play, Fag!”
“Come play, Loser!”
Before I knew what was coming I was on my face. Mud clouded my eyes. Grass filled my mouth and nose. Breath was escaping my lungs. Something large was pressing me to the ground.
“Loser! Can’t even defend yourself! Get up! Come on!”
I scrambled to get my arms under me, but it was useless. There was just too much weight on my back. In my desperate struggle to get up, I cried. My tears came without notice.
“Oh the poor baby is crying!”
“Poor baby! Someone get him a bah-bah!”
“Wah-wah! Poor baby!”
“Stop!” I screamed. My voice was weak. “Get off!”
“Poor baby! Wants me to get off!”
Laughing. Cruel, cold laughter.
“Get off!” My lungs burned with pain. My eyes seared with pain from the mud. Aches and pains filled my arms and chest. “Get off!” My cries turned to pleads. “Please! Please!”
“Aw, he said please! How polite!”
More laughter.
Torture. Torment. Hell.
How it happened, I don’t know. In a flash I was up. I was on my feet. Mud still coating my eyes I ran. I ran away from the laughter. It didn’t matter which way I was headed. It was away from the pain, that’s all that mattered.
Once I caught my breath, and cleared my eyes, I ran home. Nothing was going to stop me. No one was going to touch me again. Never would that cruel school watch me suffer again. I made a decision and I wanted to end it all now.
I threw open the front door. Pounded into my room. Instantly I turned on the computer. Anger boiled through me as I waited for it to boot up. My ears ached with the senseless laughter that still burned. With shaky hands I typed out my final e-mail to Jaysah.

Jaysah, I know that you are stronger than me. I wish I was as strong as you, but I can’t take it anymore. I won’t take it anymore. I love you, dear. I love you. Please stay strong. Stay strong for me. You were the only one that ever kept me strong. I wish I could do the same for you. I really wish I could, but I can’t. I love you.
-Jai-

I cried muddy tears. Brown, murky tears rolled down my cheeks. Gosh I was going to miss her. The only good thing left in this horrible place. How I wished I could just be with her, but I couldn’t. It was the end. It was meant to be this way. The world hated me, that’s all I ever knew. Ripping a paper out of my printer I scrolled a message to the world.

I know you won’t care that I’m gone, but I will. I know you never cared when I cried, but I did. You may never know what pain I suffered, but you will now. My computer and journal are filled with your evil acts. Now my tears and blood will stain your souls. Don’t ever forget that you poisoned me with your words. When you look at my grave, don’t put red roses there like you loved me. Put black ones on it. 12 black ones, one for every year you tortured me. Black roses, and poisoned words, that’s all you think I deserved.

Without a second thought, I went to my bed. I stripped off the top mattress. Underneath lay a jet black gun. Here I sit now, with the gun on my lap. In a minute I will stand with it at my head. If you care at all, you will use your evil talent and call for help. Those words you can shoot from your mouth to kill might be able to save a life. Who knows. I sure won’t ever know. It won’t be my life. No one cared then, why should you care now? Good-bye.

That night, Jai’s body was found in his room. His brains on one wall, his blood staining his carpet. Like he said, we will never know if a few kind words could have saved his life. We will never know. It would have been worth a try. Instead he died with cruel laughter ringing in his ears, mud in his eyes.
It’s funny how, looking at his grave, every one cries. They lay black roses on his grave, honoring his wishes. Yet as we mocked and ridiculed him, we all laughed while he was in that dirt. No one honored his wishes when he cried for us to stop. Why is now different? Is it because we finally saw the consequences of our actions? Or maybe we don’t care, but we cry because of tradition.
Think back now, could you have stopped the pain and helped him up? Joined him in his cry for everyone to stop, would that have helped? Who knows? We won’t ever know. For we killed Jai. Good-bye Jai.

~ by poeticprincess1014 on December 8, 2008.